The Blogs
I'm finding Facebook and this blog extremely helpful in not only creating a therapeudic diary of this journey, but also in helping me keep friends and family updated.
While I'm immensely thankful that people care--that means a LOT to me--I'm also finding it difficult to repeat the same updates to all the wonderful friends and family who send me emails and IMs asking how I'm doing, while still keeping up a schedule of work/rest/exercise/cooking, etc.. It is an aid to me when people check here first, and in return, I'll try not to bore you with a bunch of extraneous information that puts you to sleep. :)
The Logs
All my coworkers in Finance will completely understand my ingrained need to chart and graph my statistics through these 84 days. So, of course, I started with Excel and created a daily log. It has the following columns and up to 13 individual hours can be logged on one day:
- Time of Day
- How I'm feeling
- What I've eaten
- What I've drank in the way of liquids
- Drugs I've taken
- Exercise I've done
I'm the worst one for going to the doctor with complaints then never being able to articulate exactly when and how problems come on. So I plan to be diligent in keeping this up, even though it does suck quite a bit of time out of my day.
If you are reading this post because you're going through something similar, I highly recommend and log or journal. It will help you see trends in what's working, what's not, but also keep you in tune and conscious with your body.
Giving It Up
Here is a lesson that started long before I got my first chemo infusion: To get through something like this, you've got to take your body OFF of life's schedule, and put your life ON your body's schedule. That's easy for me because I don't have a lot of set meetings, no kids to get to school and sports. I can work from home, make my hours, and I belong to a 24-hour gym. I know everyone doesn't have that luxury, but in whatever way you can, you need to do this.
Early on, with anxiety of this diagnosis, the unknown, the waiting, fear, worry, I stopped sleeping regularly. It was like being in the Amityville Horror movie, waking up at 3:15 every damn night. The old me would have panicked fearing I'm going to crash in the afternoon if I don't sleep until at least 6:00 a.m.
But then out of frustration, I did something amazing: Instead of lying awake for hours calculating how much sleep I could get if I fell asleep "RIGHT NOW", I got up and started my day. I turned on my work computer and started handling business. I got to be pool early, swam. When the afternoon came around, I didn't crash. Clearly, my body had gotten enough rest even though my brain insisted that was never going to happen.
If you run your life on a fairly set schedule, be prepared to let that schedule go. This doesn't have to be a bad thing. It relieves a lot of stress to realize that, when my body says it's done sleeping after 4 hours, I can go through the day pretty well. All the horrible things I thought would happen didn't.
In short, you stop the process of feeling you always need to be in control. And that is a good life lesson.
Oh yes the schedule thing. I have a love hate relationship with that schedule. Life events like yours certainly bring awareness to our attachments to that schedule. Happy to see your sharing your story/journey on your blog.
ReplyDeleteIt makes you question how much "necessity" is real vs fabricated. In my case, I'd place a big majority on fabricated. I've heard accounts of couples coming out of cancer treatment way more relaxed about life and no longer sweating all the small stuff. I would be thrilled to have that happen to us!
ReplyDeleteThanks for visiting me here!
The "could've-should've-would've" thing. I had to drop that out of my life many years ago to stay sane and sober. A sponser once said to me when I was complaining about life ("it's not fair-why me!"), and she replied "why NOT you?"). Well, I didn't like hearing that! She said "Della, what makes you so special that you're immune from life's trials?" She had a point. I have a choice as to how I handle what life sets down in my path. I have a choice between being angry or anxious and accepting what is. Knowing I choose my own reactions gives me a way out of an anxiety ridden existence. "It is what it is." I can choose HOW whatever "it" is effects me. I'm content these days because I have no expectations on what my life is, other than to simply enjoy my existence and be aware of my world. Everything I am today is a result of choices I'VE made. You had to have heard the saying "If I have one foot in the past and one foot in the future, I'm pissing all over today," Well, its true for me. How I live today is all I've got to deal with, and I choose to have a day well-lived today.
ReplyDeleteSo well said! I have not heard that saying, I like it! I have heard Depak Chopra say, "Depression comes from living in the past. Anxiety comes from living in the future. Happiness comes from living in the present." I've liked that saying too.
DeleteAl and I are going to learn a lot of lessons through this journey. I hope many of them are good ones. For sure, being angry serves no purpose. And I've never been one to be the "poor me" type. So at least I've got those things in my favor. It's letting go of the control freak that will be the challenge.